On friendship and time

I sent emails to a couple friends last week. Probably doesn’t sound like much, but one I hadn’t talked to in two years. And the other, it had been over four since he last wrote me and I failed to respond.

My wife and I still talk about them and wondered how they’ve been doing. I always felt bad because it had been so long. And of course it feels like it’s no consolation to them that there’s partial emails sitting in the drafts folder.

But besides feeling like a bad friend, I just wanted to hear from both of them—after all, isn’t that what friendship is, no matter the distance? I mean, we’re not all Ron Swanson: “Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”

And if I can’t have a beer with them, then writing an email is the next best thing.

Anyway, so that clearly spurred something, because the next day I sent emails to a couple cousins who I also haven’t talked to in years.

Maybe it’s the distance of living in Taiwan. Maybe it’s simply distance in general. Maybe it’s the idea of “busyness.” We’re all so busy. If you aren’t busy, then what are you doing with your life? C’mon. You’re obviously not trying. You’re not getting after it. YOU NEED TO BE BUSY!

Yeah, that’s nonsense. One thing I’ve learned is that we all have degrees of busyness. Unless your job literally calls for you working 6 days a week, 12 hours a day—which happens, obviously, and I don’t fault people who work jobs like that for losing touch. But for the rest of us, we’re all “busy.”

When people say they’re “too busy” to see you or talk to you, and never attempt to, then they’re just choosing what’s important to them, and unfortunately you’re not one of those things.

It's harsh but it’s true. I’ve been told that directly. An old friend from college. Talking on the phone. “Hey, it’s been a while. I haven’t seen you the last couple times you came back to Minnesota.”

“Yeah Nate, I really only make time for the people who are really important to me when I’m there.”

“Oh ok. Cool, cool.”

Haven’t talked since. (And that’s a direct quote. She really said that.)

It was useful, though. Because while it may have been a bit harsh, she let me know not to waste my time on that friendship anymore. Focus on the people who matter.

But we all lose touch at times with people who matter to us. Distance sure plays a factor, but I think it often comes down to the idea of busyness, again. If you aren’t busy enough that you don’t have time to send an email to your friend, then you’re wasting your life.

We’re taught that we have to be busy, that we have to constantly keep ourselves busy because that’s what’s expected, but when we do that, we can lose track of what’s important, such as the people who matter to us. “Out of sight out of mind” works stronger when we don’t give ourselves space to remember the people who are important.

But when we have time to think, then our worlds aren’t limited to what’s right in front of our faces.

And that doesn’t just help you, but the ones who cross your mind, too. Of the four emails I sent last week, I heard back from three of them (and I have a gut feeling that I have a deactivated email address for the fourth). And all three who responded wrote longform back to me, happy to hear from me and wanting to share their lives.

Right on.

So it’s the Fourth of July here in Taiwan, but still the 3rd in most of the US. Who knows what date it’ll be by the time this is posted.

The 4th has always been one of my favorite holidays. Probably in part because it’s a day meant to be celebrated outside while drinking beer with good people. And early July in Minnesota has historically had perfect weather for that.

Maybe that’s what gave me the hey-what’s-up bug. Who knows.

But no matter who you are or where you are, if there’s someone you’ve had a good time with in the past and you’ve been feeling bad about not talking with them in a while, just send them an email. Because here’s the thing: you can use the expectation of busyness to your advantage. You don’t even have to say, “Sorry, I was busy.” People assume you were, and if they’re good people—good people for you, anyway—they’ll just be happy to hear from you. Because seriously, who doesn’t want to hear from old friends?

Assholes. But if they’re assholes, you wouldn’t think of reaching out.

So go ahead, reach out. I can’t promise they’ll be ecstatic to hear from you. But the shame of time is no reason to let things linger.

Maybe they’ll see it and won’t respond—perhaps you caught them on a bad day?

Or maybe you have a work email for them that’s deactivated and you don’t know it. Shit happens. But you tried.

The other option is they’ll see it, and want nothing more than to respond quickly. Again, I can’t promise it, but I’m willing to wager the possibility is pretty damn high.